in my solitude

Day 5 of 30

Progress: so i realize i’m quite a bit later than i normally am on this, but here it goes. I spent most of my day in LA. It was my grandmothers birthday so we had a family gathering. She had going to chicago with most of her kid last weekend but we decided to do something out here too. It was cool. My family was crazy about my ex. The old heads say she was a good girl. Ha, had me fooled. My cousin mikey talked to me about how his ex tho. Two peas in a pod, his and mine. Funny how without ever speaking more than 10 words to the girl, he knew the type. I realize that i’m not you’re adverage anything. I fancy myself a nice mix of alot of stuff, and i thank the cosmos that they lead me to be influnced by so much. But anyway, i got some more job apps to fill out now, and remember how i said my aunt is going to buy me a sowing machine, well i spoke with her today and she said she’s not doing it till i enroll in sowing classes. I love that. One more thing i’m obligated to do, that will actually benefit my future. And those are the things that always excite me. I’ve cut back on eating so much but it’s not quite to where i’d like it to be. I’m 5’7 and i believe my weight is in the 130s, i’d like to be 120 soon. I suspose more cut backs are in order. My flexibility is increseing everyday and i plan to start looking for a dance studio soon. I still wont enroll until i have a job but it’s still good to research what i’m getting into. On another tip, i have my shoot for my composite card on wensday. I’m pretty nervous, i think i might start fasting till it’s over…

Mentality: here’s a spoken word poem i wrote. Kinda sums up how i feel. It’s called Pressure…

I can only trust you as far as i can throw you. and these fragile bones break under the weight of a boulder. let me nurish your abyss like soul with this food of cyanide and clense you palate with sulfuric acid till your intestines burn like the heart in my chest or the tears that swell in my eyes. The funny thing about it all is, without my hand to guide you thru, you couldn’t comprehind that we’re bound by a cycle so why do you bite the hand that feeds you, abuseing it untill it no longer cares. Crying wolf is all fun in games, until you appear foolish as you play by yourself. I measure your worth by the weight of the tears i’ve cryed and measure mine by the total of lies you’ve told. I told you so doesn’t taste as sweet, when you must also endure it’s bitterness. But if i can’t trust the words that come from your mouth, why do you speak? Yet somehow, your silence wouldn’t safice either…

P.S. kid: i wanna kill myself. hospital Desk clerk: fill this out [hands him paper work] (It’s kind of a funny story)

One love

• 30 Apr 2012
• 2

Forgot to say

One love

• 29 Apr 2012

Day 4 of 30

Progress: today i got my bike, finally! It’s pretty sweet, must say i’m glad to have it. I didn’t go to drivers ed because i have choosen to switch to on line classes. I honestly spent most of the time sleep and stretching today which i can say have both been rather refreshing. My flexibility is improveing and i’m excited about it.

Mentality: i remember the first time i fell in love. I had been told “i love you” many times before by different girls but never believed it. We were all so young and knew nothing about love, right? But then she came to the fore front, no longer as a friend but as a suitor. Ah yes, she persued me. And everything was beautiful until i learned what lust was, thru experience of corse. That tends to be a pattern in my life. But the worst part of it all had to be the nightmares because no matter how i tryed to push the thoughts of her face out of my mind, in a dream they alway came to me… I don’t dream about her anymore, na. the face of these seemingly all too real films has been recasted and i couldn’t hate the actress more.

P.S. whats a matter with you hector? Are you going thru some sort of phycological change? (Paris is burning)

• 29 Apr 2012
• 1

Day 3 of 30

Progress: so, I got the money to get my bike out but didn’t go pick it up yet :/ tomorrow it is. I got some job apps and applied on line today as well. The issue is that the places i’d enjoy working at had no opening near me but I read the criteria for modeling and I believe i’d be a good fit for some commercial places. Haha, I say that as if I even have the option of doing runway or high fashion. I’m 5’7 -__-. But anyway I talked to my photographer friend and he said he’d do my composite card for $100, pretty sweet. I think I’m going to do 2 shots of four looks because I need a few different outfits to display myself wearing fashions more geared to whatever store I’m trying to work for. Tomorrow morning I have drivers ed too, at 8 am. Why the hell is that shit so early mane. And they kinda piss me off because the place is called “Gaurdian Angel” and they’re lowkey religous. Shit’s wack but whatever. And for the first friday in like two months I’m not going out. I feel pretty good about myself :) And I found a bass player for my band so yeeee.

Mentality:I need to make some music, there’s a lot going on in my personal life. Mostly just girls like always but I lost a few “friends” too recently. Haha, these cats mane. And I really haven’t been in the mood to have sex lately either…. Yes, I said I HAVE not wanted SEX lately . Idk, plus I really wanna kill my ex. Like if I see her, I’ma hit her in the head with a hammer. I should write a song about it

P.S. oh james, why don’t you commit your own murder? (Party animal)

One love

• 28 Apr 2012

Day 2 of 30

Progress: well this morning I woke up at 4:30 and had a hard time going back to sleep. I felt like I’m doing music and what not but I need more. So my aunt said that she would buy a new sowing machine for me if I passed my exit exam test. Check! I get it next weekend :). And I decided that I’m going to do my GE classes out here so I can go to FIDM and focus on what I need to get form there without having to worry about the things I could of gotten some where else. But my “big thing” that I decided to get into is contemporary dance. I have to get a job first and it will be recreational of corse but it’s just another form of expression. And I’ve always wanted to be trainned in something and that seems perfect because I really know nothing about that art form but it intrigues me. So as far as the whole job thing goes, my bike is currently in the shop. It cost $128 to repair and I’ll get it tomorrow :). My cousin siguested I go to forever 21, h&m, hot topic, stores like that because I’m the type of cat they’d hire. Man, if only I had a dollar for how many times people linked me to those stores. Shit I probably wouldn’t have to work but hey, no sweat I guess.it poured out here today so Tomorrow I plan to look around here and get apps and head to the library to use the internet. Mine is currently down. But yea I dicided that I’ll do something for my future every day in my free time as well, vocal practice, sketching, reading etc. So I should make a chart for those thing but I suspose, that’ll probably be something to mention tomorrow tho..

Mentality: so yea, I really feel like I won’t be drinking for awhile.

P.S. and that’s all I have to say about that (forest gump)

One love

• 27 Apr 2012
• 1

day 1 of 30

Ok so there’s so much going on in my head with this that I decided to divide it into sections so most important is…

Progress: today I cleaned my house. No big deal but it made my mom happy and helped get me use to doing some shit early in the morning. My friends know my house isn’t normally bad but my mom just got back from chicago so it was bad. I unpacked their shit Too. But anyway, I had my grandpa bring me a bike from LA so I could get applications from local spots. So tomorrow I will be on that shit ,I’ll have a job. I’m tired of bullshittin and just sittin on my couch. Thanks edward long because talking to you on that roof made me realize that shit is unexceptible. Plus I somed my last cig yesterday, And I’m going to get into modeling because of him. It was all a dream… Just kidding but it was tho, he made me feel like I am actually good enough to do that shit. Much love. And rollsroses I see you, I going to get on recording with issac so I can help build this U.S. empire.

Mentality: I miss my ex. She made me realize that no matter how hard I try, when I say I love you, it will never go away. Lol, ask edward, he’d even tell you I still love this girl tyra from the 7th grade. Wtf is that right? Haha, I can hear rollsroses right now, “nigga you floodin”, and he’s right. Lol, but yea it’s lame. I always hated mainstream music but now it all makes me think of my ex, esp. Niki and wiz -_- those the cats I hated the most too. But watch this. We will rise. Haha. But yo, chicago bitch! those niggas would be looking at me crazy right now. So check this, I am who I am but I learn as I go, Even from people that couldn’t of tought me better if they tryed

P.S. I a little drunk so don’t hold me susponsible (brown sugar) haha

One love

• 26 Apr 2012
• 1

day 0 of 30

Everyday for the next 30 days I’m going to do as much as I can to change my life and get closer to my dreams. In this 30 day period I will also limit my self to one meal a day and drink enormous amounts of water in an effort to clense. I’ll keep you posted

• 24 Apr 2012